As moms, our biggest concern after deciding to separate or divorce is helping our kids cope with the new changes.  Did we just ruin their lives? (Hint: no, you didn’t.)

What our children really need is to see that mom and dad still work more or less as a team where parenting is concerned, and to know that they both love and have their best interests at heart. In our family, we accomplish this a couple different ways.

First, our visitation schedule is super flexible. We didn’t want to ever experience a child crying because he or she didn’t want to go to Dad’s house today. It’s hard going back and forth, and we want to do whatever is in our power to make it less so. We do not have a set schedule because of my ex’s work schedule (military, in and out constantly on a ship), which is annoying, but something we personally have to deal with. When he’s in, the kids spend pretty much every Saturday night with him. BUT…if someone has plans with a friend, that’s ok. If someone is just in need of Mom time, that’s ok too. I’ve picked up a homesick kid late at night, and he’s brought one back to me, and there are no hard feelings. Likewise, there have been times someone just needed Daddy time and stayed a couple of extra nights with him.

As long as it’s relatively convenient for the parents, this helps the kids feel like they have some control, and that their feelings matter. Our kids aren’t possessions to be divvied up.

The other thing we did this first year was agree to have Christmas morning together. Neither their dad nor I wanted to miss anything, and we didn’t want to ruin the holiday for the kids. We agreed he would have them with him Christmas Eve and bring them back home late evening…but that he would come to our house early Christmas morning to presents, Santa, and breakfast together. Was that awkward for us at times? Hell yeah! Was it worth it for the kids? 1000%!

I’d love to hear what non-traditional arrangements you’ve come up with your family below!